I sometimes worry that I'm slipping into some spiral. Every day I feel a little less in control. Even with all of my experience - I don't know what to do anymore. Where is bottom? I need to stop this. I don't know how to anymore. It's becoming harder and harder to hide it.
A great big something has changed for me and my husband. It's not a lessening of empathy, but it is certainly a shift. I've lost my patience with petty complaints, or even larger ones where someone has the keys in their pocket to change the situation, yet chooses to pretend they do not. Needless to … Continue reading Choices, Empathy, Cruelty. If You Can Fix It – Just Fucking Fix It.
I broke yesterday. I'm still broken today. I don't know how to stitch me up again. But I will. Somehow, I will. I always have. I will be worthy and I will be quiet Keep my head down and breathe in, breathe out. I am a machine. I am a machine. I am a machine … Continue reading I Am Broken
I imagine myself in a downpour. I must make the essential stick. Any remains allow to melt away to my feet.
I'm pretty open about my mental illnesses in general. Anxiety, panic attacks, depression and PTSD are a part of me that I carry around every single moment of my life. Even my dreams are invaded by the thousands of terrors and lies my messed up brain throws at me. What I don't do as often is talk about the details. I don't talk much, even to those closest to me about exactly what it is, on a real day to day way.
Good News. Bad News. Nothing Inbetween.
Today is a fucking beautiful day. And I'm going to relish every second of this sunshine.
Had a panic attack tonight. A massive one. In Target. I don't know how to describe them adequately. It feels almost like my brain is shorting out. Everything is attacking me, my entire being is insisting that I run awau to safety. My heart races as if I've just run up three flights of stairs, … Continue reading Better Than Me
Most of the time, I feel like I'm going through my day screaming inside. I have no update of anything good, other than that my husband is still standing. But he's having trouble making a fist, opening jars. He has no energy. He is also emotionally wrung the fuck out. And me - I worry … Continue reading Exploding Cat
I have a severe sinus infection and an abscess under each upper eyelid. My tear ducts are blocked, so in addition to these abscesses feeling like rocks in my eyes, there's no lubrication from tears so I'm putting eyedrops in faster than a teenage stoner. Still no word on Brian's next infusion. I'm willing to … Continue reading This is Bullshit!!