CPTSD, Anxiety Disorder and Panic Attacks have reduced me. I don't say that lightly, and it is the absolute truth
I will be useful and I will be quiet. I will produce results without emotion. There is no external fixer, only internal shifting. I am a machine. I will take the task and complete the task. My worth is in the result I produce. I will breathe in. I will breathe out. I will be … Continue reading I Am A Machine
Update: my husband has made amazing strides in the past 48 hours. The doctors are now starting to talk about what discharge will look like and starting steps along that plan. We'll need to be sure that he can maintain key neurological functions as he's slowly weaned off i.v. fluids. If all goes well, discharge … Continue reading Is That Light I See?
Update: after a spectacular rally last night where for six hours my husband was himself again - this morning he slammed right back to where he was yesterday morning. No stability. Neuro, Internal Med and Rheum are digging in, finding colleagues to ask questions of, sping research and working as a cohesive team to come … Continue reading I Know too Much and Not Enough
First the update: my husband cannot maintain a stable status on his own. Without a pretty regular rush bag of hydration i.v. fluids and a maintenance drip inbetween, he backslides. Honestly, he's sometimes backsliding with all of that. I'll spare the details, but this morning and afternoon housed only a lot of bad news. He … Continue reading Rollercoaster of Love
After 42 hours in the ER, a space opened up on the general floor for my husband. Bonus: a private room with sleeping chair! Another ivig treatment this afternoon, and I'm pretty sure I've convinced the attending to up the i.v. fluid again, as he slid backward again a bit overnight. So, baby steps on … Continue reading Out of the Dungeons, Movin’ on Up.
Update: today is better than yesterday. Continued i.v. fluids have kept him neurologically stable. He's not back to normal, but he's no longer going downhill. He has been admitted, but with the hospital at capacity, we are still in the ER waiting for a bed to open up. In the meantime, Rheumatologist is not fucking … Continue reading A Marathon, Not a Sprint.
My husband's condition took a nosedive this afternoon. I had to dress him like a toddler: arm up, grab my hand, honey. Like that, good job. Now the other hand. Fantastic. All he would do is sleep. Back to the ER. I can scream my head off that he needs i.v. fluids NOW or he … Continue reading We’ve Lived a Year This Week – and it’s Only Wednesday.
It's just after two a.m. and I am awake again. I finally fell asleep at midnightish. All I've managed is interrupted naps for the past three days. I woke because my husband was shuffling aimlessly around the house. Not walking, shuffling as if he had skates on and expected to glide around the house. I … Continue reading Beyond the Doctors
Please let him and us find our way through this. Taking my husband to the hospital again. Neurological impacts happening again after two years without. I'm fucking terrified.